On Sunday, at the zoo and at the McDonald's playground I found myself experiencing feelings I had not felt since walking in public in Poland. The feeling that people were looking at us with horror and revulsion. A minority, of course, but the minority tends to set you on guard. We had more negative comments than we have had the entire year and a half Lukasz has been with us.
While the comments themselves from children were more hurtful than usual (although still innocent because they were just responding with a visceral reaction, not intentional meanness), it was the response of their parents that hurt and reinforced the comments.
When walking into the play area, we passed a 13 year oldish boy sitting with is family. He said, "Oh, gross, look at his face!" And his mother in an embarrassed tone said, "SHHHHHH! We don't say that."
At the zoo, a child said, "Yuck, his face, Mommy." In a worried tone, his mom said, "Don't say that!" Another child, "That boy only has one eye, Mom." A hurried, "SHHHHH!" and the mom steered her son away.
And from one parent walking with his children, "Oh, my God, that poor kid."
The attitude and tone these parents had when they made their comments were hurtful because I know what it will teach these kids --"Yes, his face is Yuck, but we don't talk about it, we don't say it, and we will get away from it as quickly as possible."
At the least, being summarily hushed with a tone that implies embarrassment, fear or worry, make children feel guilty for asking their guides in life (their parents) about something they've never seen before. They need their parents to tell them in a non-chalant way that "he was just born that way" or some other such explanation so they understand that Lukasz and other people who are different are normal, just different. If you are scared, repulsed, etc., your children will pick up on it no matter what your words. Please don't silence your child, even if you are just trying to save my or Lukasz' feelings. It just makes him a subject not to be spoken of or to and reinforces their fear of him.
Children are concrete thinkers. That means they understand better when they can see the subject in front of them. Waiting to talk to a child later or "when we get home" will lose the well-intentioned affect of whatever you tell him or her. Not to mention they will hardly remember who you are talking about. All they will remember is that you told them (without words) that my son is something not normal; that is not to be discussed and probably something they should avoid. And children ridicule what they think is not normal. Making my son a subject to be spoken of only out of his ear shot teaches your children to whisper to each other about him or other different children rather than approaching them. He will hear the whispers and that is hurtful.
Does Lukasz' Age Make a Difference?
In the past 1.5 years that we have had Lukasz, we have rarely had a negative comment about his appearance. Plenty of curious questions and stares. Those don't bother us at all. I don't mind that people want to know why he only has one eye and one ear. I don't mind that they look at him as long as it does not continue for an uncomfortable length of time or if they are playing with him and being kind while they look. He's different. We get that.
I have noticed that as Lukasz gets older, more active, more social, more eager to initiate interaction, the comments, stares and questions have increased and the fear/reluctance in other children has increased. Likewise, the responses from parents have taken on a new negativity in tone and manner even if they are the same in the words they choose. I think it was easier for parents to see Lukasz as a little baby they hardly had to look at, who would just walk around and play by himself; they could just glance and look away. It was easy to quickly say, "Oh, honey, he was just born that way, he's just made different." But when a toddler is running up to them, looking them right in the face, asking them to play and he looks SO different, they feel a little bit of that "Oh, my God" feeling their kids feel and they just want to quickly look away and quiet the comments that remind them of their own feelings. They don't want to hurt feelings and they know they shouldn't feel the way they do but they can't muster up the courage to do what they should be telling their kids to do--talk to Lukasz like the normal kid he is.
Lean Into It
Lean into Lukasz and you will love him. Look at him for a couple minutes and you won't even see his differences anymore. Do it and your kids will see and they will do it, too.
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