It's National Adoption Month: Let's Engage ALL Prospective Adoptive Parents

There are people other than Christians we should also be inviting to adopt. 

First, in full disclosure, I am a woman of faith.  I am a practicing Catholic.  My Christian beliefs are very important to me.  I do my best to raise my children with Christ at their heart with the focus on caring for the poor, disenfranchised, abandoned and ostracized by society.  I try to teach my children to be inviting and inclusive of all people of every faith and lifestyle.  There is no one unworthy of our friendship and kindness. Basically, to be known as Christians by our love as the hymn goes – to do as Jesus would do, even when others might not.  Of course, I am not perfect.  I judge when I shouldn’t, I turn my back when I shouldn’t.  But we are all works in progress and I teach my kids that, too.

However, when adoption is the topic, I do not discuss the Bible or my Faith, I do not put Christian themed adoption bumper stickers on my car, I do not put Bible quotes on the home page of my blog and I do not wear t-shirts with adoption themed Bible quotes.  These things only appeal to other Christians; they limit the “adoption option” discussion to Christians. I want people to approach me about adoption. And if they think I am a going to try to convert them or "save" them they are not going to approach me.  Or worse, they may think that I would be opposed to their interest if they are not Christian.

I do not have a problem with other people singing adoption’s praises through the music of their faith.  I, personally, just prefer to take a broader approach. I don’t want to close someone’s mind to adoption by evangelizing when I talk about it.  I believe that other adults have most certainly formed their spiritual opinions prior to meeting me or reading my blog. Blasting them with religious rhetoric is not going to serve a meaningful purpose.  I have always intended my blog as a broad invitation to all legally eligible persons to consider adoption; an invitation through the experience of our story of adoption and the continued life after the papers are final.

The reality is that when you start talking about “my Lord’s Word”, “His will”, “the Holy Spirit,” mentioning Christ, etc., or quoting the Bible, many perfectly good people/potential adoptive parents close their ears and turn away from the discussion.  They do not want to hear about a God they don’t believe in or a religion they disagree with or one they feel excludes them.  

And, when it comes to adoption, that’s okay.  I’m out to get these kids in healthy, stable, loving homes and I will be inviting, encouraging and inclusive of anyone I can get interested.  I do not need to discuss my faith or the Bible to explain how awesome adoption is and how it has given my family so much joy.  I do not need to discuss my faith to describe the kids or the conditions of so many kids still waiting out there to be claimed by a family or to explain the process of adoption.  I do not need to agree with the faith, life choices, etc., of the people I am talking to about adoption.  Nor do I need to agree with the faith, life choices, etc. of the people I am talking to in order to recognize that they will still make loving, stable parents.

There is a Worldwide Crisis of Orphaned & Waiting Children and it is a Matter of Life and Death

The number of children waiting in orphanages worldwide and in the US foster care system varies to some degree from source to source but the numbers are identical in one sense--they are staggering.   There are so many orphans, so many waiting children, so many children considered “too old” to be adoptable, so many 5 year olds that weigh only 10 pounds due to neglect, so many children that age-out into a life of no options but terrible options, so many children with facial differences and other perceived “unadoptable” conditions that, quite frankly, I really don’t care what religion, lifestyle or philosophy a parent adheres to, if they have the love and desire in their heart to adopt one of these children who would otherwise never know a parent’s love.  To see a sample of the children I am referring to go to www.reecesrainbow.com, www.rainbowkids.com or www.adoptuskids.org and browse around their waiting child pages.

Of course, I think that if you are Christian there are many Biblical and faith-based directives to consider adoption. When I am talking to other Christians, I discuss my faith. However, ultimately, I do not believe that you should or need to adopt a child out of obligation or obedience to any faith. I think that perhaps a successful and happy adoption can begin with consideration of adoption as an obligation to faith but the final decision should be whether you want another child(ren), believe that you can love that child(ren) as if he/she/they were your biological child(ren) and can provide the care that the child(ren) needs physically and emotionally. And these considerations/decisions can be made by anyone of any faith or no faith or of a lifestyle different from ours. 

I do believe that God wants us to adopt children in need, but I have a real problem when Christians discuss adoption in terms of “laying up treasures in heaven.”  Adoption is not about making a sacrifice for a later reward, it is a reward in and of itself.  It is about expanding a family, about more love to share between parents, the adopted child and siblings.  Thinking in terms of goodwill from the Almighty suggests that adoption is a burden or undertaking done for an ulterior purpose.  This just isn’t the basis of a healthy parent-child relationship. Besides, treasures in heaven should be a consequence, not a motivation. And in my opinion, a "witness" should not need to be declared.

For Practical Reasons, For Life and Death Reasons, Adoption Should be Free from Proselytizing  

As Christians, we can have a whole other discussion about conversion (or “saving” in non-Catholic terms), the obligation to evangelize, and, of course, that dirty phrase “being politically correct.” I could point out that if your concern is that these children will not find Christ if adopted by a non-Christian family, children can be converted from a non-Christian home but they can’t be converted if they are dead; if they did not survive the neglect, abuse or isolation of an orphanage or the misery of waiting for a family in the instability of multiple foster homes.

But, truthfully, I don’t really care about these proselytizing issues when it comes to these kids.  I am more practical than wanting to debate that.  The immediate problem is these kids living a kind of hell (I’m using a colloquialism here, not a faith term), at best with no family of any kind, at worst extreme neglect and isolation.  No permanency of love.  No hope for better in life.  No hugs from someone they can say belongs to them; because our kids don’t belong to us, we belong to them.

Draw in People of other Beliefs

I can only imagine how many more children would find good homes if we, Christian adoptive parents, would for the sake of these children, be inclusive of all people in our discussions of adoption; if we were mindful of forming the discussion to draw people of different beliefs in, instead of away.

I am more than willing to hold my tongue on religious issues to get these kids in homes. I just want PEOPLE, ANY PEOPLE who can pass a homestudy and love a child to adopt.  I’ll say it again, I want EVERYONE regardless of faith, lifestyle, etc. to consider adoption.

If that was not clear enough, I will just lay it out here for you, in no particular order:

Yes, I think that singles can give a truly loving, healthy and fulfilled home to an adoptive child.

Yes, I think that same sex couples can give a truly loving, healthy and fulfilled home to an adoptive child.

Yes, I think atheists can give a truly loving, healthy and fulfilled life to an adoptive child.

Yes, I think every religion out there, despite any theological or philosophical disagreement I may or may not have with them, produces some pretty amazing and loving parents.

Who Would Say a Child is Better off Dead than in a Non-Christian Home?

I cannot imagine a Christian saying a child in an orphanage confined to a crib, never being held, or any child with untreated medical conditions because he is deemed unworthy of the expense or any waiting child hoping for a family of his own is better off where they are than in the arms of a loving, gay couple and/or an atheist family.  Well, I take that back, I can imagine it and it makes me more than sad.

Observations on Life with Lukasz and the People who Meet Him

1.  It is Very Difficult for Someone to Steal Him or to Lose Him in a Store

Let's face it, four of my kids could easily just disappear into a crowd.  Blonde hair, blue eyes or brown hair, brown eyes plus age and generic kids clothes does not give people too much to go on.  Even a picture is hard to match.  It would be hard for some random person in another city or state to see any of them in a store and recognize him or her as the missing Kane kid. But, gosh, tell someone your son only has one eye and one ear--they will spot him fast.  There just aren't many of those kids out there.  

About two weeks ago the little troublemaker ran off from me in Walmart and I ran all over the store pushing a very full cart trying to find him.  From one fellow customer after another who immediately knew who I was looking for because he is so noticeable and excitedly waved me in the right direction to the employees who ran with me and met us in every department he ran through in response to the  "Adam Alert" issued by a manager (through headphones to the employees) it was obvious the only description necessary was "he only has one eye and one ear".  The employees at each door knew not to let a little one eyed kid out. We finally cornered him across the store in frozen foods where he played monkey in the middle between me, one employee and another at opposite ends of the aisle.  Laughing like a hyena.

Anyway, little chance some evil person is walking out of a store with Lukasz without someone noticing and saying, "Hey, that's the kid everyone is looking for."

At Santa Cruz, the story of my life. Do you see that? He's laughing at me. He keeps me on my toes.

2.  You Get to Feel Like a Celebrity

I would not say that we have a paparazzi thing going on.  It's more like that "secret" photo taking that isn't "secret" that celebrities experience.  You know, like when someone sees a celebrity eating at a restaurant and they try to pretend they're looking at something on their phone but they are really taking a photo.  Or they act like they are taking a photo of a friend so they can get the celebrity in the background. Or randoms are hanging out in a bar or other public place with a celebrity and the celebrity is being friendly but the randoms are being friendly so they can get photos to post on Facebook.

Here are just a few of our's:

• In the pulmonologist's waiting area, a mother took a "just looking at my phone" photo of Lukasz while he was playing;
• At a fast food restaurant;
• In the pool at a hotel, a group of women were swimming and playing with Lukasz and at the end they all took photos of themselves with him--in that "look at me with this once in a lifetime experience" and without asking me;
• At an OKC Thunder game, a couple whipped out their phones and videotaped Lukasz when they saw him about to hug the Cox Cable mascot. They videotaped the whole thing, including Lukasz walking away and then running back for a second hug.  With ooo's and ahhh's.

People think they are being sly holding up their phone on their knee to take a photo, but trust me, it's completely obvious. Of course, the obvious, whip out the phone and photo/video Lukasz doing something normal is just as weird.

When you and/or your son become the object of an impromptu photo opp,  it is totally surreal.  At first, you're not really sure they are taking sneaky photos or obvious photos of your child, because it is so bizarre.  You think, "Noooo.  Really? Are they?"  And by then it's done and there is nothing you can do but ask them to delete the photos and that seems just as crazy.  Every time, it STILL catches me off guard. 

3.  Everybody Knows You

As an average mom, I used to go into my usual Walgreens to pick up a prescription or the grocery store or Walmart or Braum's to buy milk and no one ever acknowledged me as anything more than one of the nameless, faceless masses.  Now, when I (or my husband) go into the store, since I usually bring Lukasz with me, I am greeted with hellos or nods of familiarity and Lukasz is greeted like a beloved family member.  If Lukasz isn't with me, everyone wants to know where he is or give me a look of recognition I would never get before Lukasz.

I have met so many people thanks to Lukasz. While many people might feel put off or get tired of people asking about him or find their questions rude, I have come to see it as an opportunity to meet new people.  For Lukasz' sake, when I see someone staring or a child asking a parent, I approach them and start a conversation including Lukasz so they get to know him as a person.  I would never have initiated conversations with strangers nearly as often as I do with Lukasz.

Also, Lukasz is unforgettable for so many reasons that every teacher, therapist, nurse, dental hygienist, classmate (and their moms), random kid from the park, etc., that he has ever met in his whole life remembers him years later in random places. Anonymity is overrated anyway.

Chocolate milk mustache. Him, not me.

4.   You Are Constantly Receiving Prayers

People of many, varying faiths like to pray for Lukasz and me and our whole family.  Out loud.  In public.  In parking lots, stores, restaurants, parks, etc. They approach me and ask if they can pray for him, specifically, and us, generally. Sometimes they lay hands on him. Sometimes they offer us advice about praying over him to "fix him." A little uncomfortable and strange. I think my faith is private and if I thought someone needed a prayer, I would silently do it without bothering them or making them feel uncomfortable that I thought they needed a prayer. Maybe it's the Yankee in me and this is a Midwest/Southwest thing.

But I have decided I could use all the help I can get from any god someone is willing to pray to on my behalf. Of course, my need for prayers and good thoughts has everything to do with a need for help retaining my sanity and nothing to do with Lukasz' apparent craniofacial differences.

Almost always they ask first and that is good.  However, how could I say, "No. Do not pray for us"?  Seems rude to me or overly defensive. Plus, if it would make them feel good to pray for us, then I do not mind.  And really, even if I didn't believe in God, I would not mind the extra encouragement and well wishes.  Long summer days with all of my kids at home, or with many evenings ahead helping with five sets of homework? You bet I'll take all the strength I can get.

Oh, and while I admit the need for a little morale boost of any kind now and again, I don't believe that the motivation behind the offers of public prayer is correct.  I think these prayers come out of thinking that Lukasz has a hard time with life or that we are sad or that our surgeons need divine help to give Lukasz a "normal" face.  Well intentioned but full of misplaced pity.

I need more prayer for strength to not yell at my kids one more time for leaving five sets of dirty socks in the livingroom than I do for feeling sad about what we consider a pretty darn cute Lukasz face.  His face is not "disfigured", it is perfectly figured.

5.  A Secret Language with Your Son that Not Even his Father Understands

Lukasz' unique anatomy and hearing loss have made speech difficult so he really speaks "signglish"--a mix of ASL and SEE signs and spoken words.  His words are hard to understand and as a 4 year old his signs are not perfectly formed either.  This is hard for him with people he does not know but it is cool for me.  We sign in church to tell the kids to sit or be quiet and when we do not want to interrupt people.  Many times I discover that he and I can have a spoken conversation that most strangers will not understand.

6.  You Learn How to Be Actively Oblivious to the Public

You start out noticing when people double take when you walk into a room with your son and feeling under a microscope--even feeling defensive--but eventually you tune it out.  And, finally, you really internalize what your mom always told you, “Who care’s what people think?”/“Who cares if they look at you?” and you just stop noticing for real.  All that fear of public scrutiny held over from middle school falls off.  I, for one, am a much happier person for it.

7.  People Usually Cut You Some Slack

You’re late, you’re tired, your kids are all over the place.  Lukasz looks up with a crooked grin at the receptionist, the store clerk, the Doctor’s nurse, the Sunday school teacher and you watch the look of disapproval dissolve into a relaxed smile and encouraging word.

Okay, I admit it.  I don't really deserve the slack.  Even five kids isn't really a decent excuse for being late or my house being messy or for my kids acting crazy.  But it is nice that the light shining out of Lukasz' face can buy all of us a little goodwill, which brings me to the next benefit:

8.  You Get to See the Best in People

People do nice things for Lukasz from all that extra slack mentioned above to letting him climb in the UPS truck and brining him UPS mementos to stopping to smile at him and talk to him in the middle of whatever their doing, to sharing their snacks with him to being patient when he wants to pet their dog for 15 minutes when they are just out for a 5 minute walk around the block. One of my favorites is when he insisted on showing his favorite car to every single adult, child and baby in a crowded waiting room.  Over and over again.  It was not enough for them to look and admire the car, they had to hold it, comment and hand it back.

The impulse to give these acts of kindness are just manifestations of the goodness that is always in their hearts.  Sure, maybe some do not show it as often as they could, or those that do are doing it out of pity, but just seeing it in those moments proves that there is goodness in the world. 

I have learned that people enjoy these interactions with Lukasz; that they participate in them with their full heart, with no begrudging of their time or second thought. If it is Lukasz' different face that motivates these sweet, compassionate responses, maybe we should treat everyone like they only have one eye, one ear and half a jaw, the world might be a more compassionate place.

Afternoon at the pumpkin patch. This picture is in black
and white because he and his shirt were absolutely filthy
but in black and white it's not so bad.