The above quote is from conjoined twins, Abby and Brittany
Hensel, in the ad for the most recent annual special about them on TLC. I love it because it has become
the way I live. And, really, if
you have a “different” child, there can be no other healthy way for you or,
more importantly, your child to live.
If we can’t just let the negative stuff—looks, comments, body
language---fall away and go about our lives with the people who matter
(friends, family, well wishing strangers, etc.) blocking out all others, how
can we be happy? How can we teach
our children to be happy in the face of those negative, cruel people?
And I think it is important to also say that that quote, for
me, implies a kind of self-imposed DECISION to NOT assume that every poorly
worded comment or awkward, sideways glance rises from ill-will or intended
cruelty. I even go so far to say
that maybe 1 out of 1000 such
encounters arises from ill-will or intended cruelty.
My Experience
Lately, I have been thinking about my life before, during
and after the decision to adopt Lukasz.
Specifically, how did I think, respond or talk to parents and children
who look different. Now that I am
a parent to a “different” child, how do I want other parents to talk to me and
how do I want to respond.
The most important thing I realize from experience is that
when you don’t have a “different” child in your life, whether he/she is yours,
a friends or a family member’s, you have no context for what the “right” words
are, no idea what the “right” way is to approach such a child and his parents,
or what is the “right” way for your “normal” kids to act around them. The result is a hyper-sensitivity and
fear of saying the wrong thing and even more so of what might come out of your
children’s mouths. In turn, your
behavior often manifests as avoidance, at best, or, at worse, fear, repulsion,
judgment and, sometimes, cruelty, when you have no intention to come across
that way.
I can only speak from my experience on both sides of this
issue. And I can only speak from
the experience of a parent who KNEW her child would be “different,” and had the
opportunity to prepare mentally and emotionally before he joined our family. Not to mention the amazing amount of
reading I was able to do before even meeting him. Oh, and the fact that I am so often distracted chasing down
four other additional kids that I don’t even register stares and comments from
people I pass in public.
But the above quote is my basic truth. I go out there with the attitude:
“When all I had were “normal” kids, I never intended my
behavior or words to be hurtful, so I will assume the same of everyone who
looks at or talks to me in a way that centers around my child. Everything else, I am just going to
leave behind me so I can enjoy our lives together.”
Everything you retain in indignation, outrage, anger or
hostility will eat away at you.
Let’s face, you’re likely to never see these people again. If they are people you see everyday,
simply tell them you are going to assume a mutual wall of silence about your
children and walk away or “answer” your phone anytime they breach it.
It’s All About Attitude
So here it is, the mysterious answer to the question, “Uh,
where do I look, what do I say and, OMG, what is my kid going to say to her
about her kids?”
First, take a breath and recognize that these questions come
from the thought, “But for the grace of God go I.” Don’t worry, in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with that
thought. We have all been taught
to count our blessings and it is TRUE that your child may have an easier road
medically and/or developmentally than mine.
Now, take another breath and know that you would love your
child no matter what he or she looked like, no matter what extra challenges or
differences he or she had. More
importantly, understand that we parents of “different” children only know our
child as he or she is. If we are
out at the Zoo laughing (or pulling our hair out as any parent), or at the
store saying, “Stop that!” and “Sit down in this cart right now!” and also,
“Ok, we’ll get you that toy,” you will know that we are loving our child just
as you love yours and experiencing all the “joys” of parenting you do. And we are out in public just like you.
So, you can look at my son. He looks different from anything
you have ever seen. Your brain
needs time to process that and I understand. Go ahead and look straight on. You CAN stare! I understand, I have been there. Just maybe, while you look, say “Hi” to
me and that you would “love to say ‘hi’ to my baby.” It’s only polite, you know. Once your brain processes, “Oh, just a boy who only has one
eye and one ear” I know you will be fine.
Finally, just talk to me and treat me like you
treat any parent you see out with their kid. It's all about attitude. It's
definitely OK for your kids to come up and talk to our kids--curiosity,
friendliness are fine as long they are not being mean. Oh, and your kids are OK
to ask why my baby only has one eye and one ear, it's even ok for them to say
he looks funny or (GASP) “scary”. To them, he does look funny or even scary--they
have NEVER seen anyone who looks like him and that is what most little kids
define as "funny" or “scary”.
You’ll see in my next post that in every case I
have been approached by a child, every child who asks about the way Lukasz
looks simply responds to "He was just born that way, like you were born
with brown/blonde hair" with "Oh, okay" and total acceptance,
then happily continues their day. Maybe not immediate acceptance, sometimes they hover
around and once they have their bearings they accept him and start playing.
The last thing I want to say to
parents/individuals who have no experience with “different” children is this:
I'm not ashamed of my child, please don't teach
your child to be by acting as if he's someone to tiptoe around and look at
sideways. I invite your and your child's conversation. So does my son.
Defensiveness versus Acceptance
Now, I realize that as my “baby” gets older, the
kids will become more cruel.
That’s just the nature of kids—as they get older they learn more and
more of adult biases and cruelty.
And I know that people use the wrong words and look at “different”
people from across the room and sometimes throw what is interpreted as a
judgmental look at us parents. But
let’s take a second to breathe and recollect before we respond.
For me, I am hoping that my openness with
parents and children now will teach Lukasz that I accept him and that there is
nothing to be defensive about as far as his appearance and medical issues.
Personally, my opinion is that if you are
constantly on the defensive with people, that if you always lash out
immediately as “mama bear” it appears that you feel your child is something
every “normal” person would attack or act with ill-intentions. One, there is nothing wrong with
my son. He is just different. He was born that way.
Two, I refuse to believe that the majority of
people intend to harm my child or myself—emotionally or physically. OMG, if I had been held to every
“foot in mouth” moment I would have been in a self-loathing humiliation hell
since age 7. As awkard, clumsy and
downright oblivious as I have been in my life, I am willing to cut people some
slack for using the “wrong words” or staring at us.
For example, is it appropriate for people to
ask, “Now which one is your ‘real’ child?” when wanting to know which of our
children is our biological child?
NO! But they do not know
that. They are not INTENDING to
imply that we love our adopted children less—they just DO NOT KNOW the CORRECT
way to ask. Why should I get upset
and insulted and carry that feeling around with me? I know many adoptive parents that go on LONG internet
blog/forum tirades about this very experience and I just don’t get it. Just let it go.
People, by nature, need to understand
“different” and “why.” I have no
problem with that. It doesn’t make
me angry. It doesn’t make me
sad. I love my child and I love
talking about all my kids—how they came into our family, why they look the way
they do, what grades they are in, etc.
If my child had disruptive behavioral or
cognitive issues and no physical differences, I would explain that to people in
common public areas (the library, mall, doctor’s offices, etc) who are likely
to be disturbed just as I would explain with a smile of good will my other
kids’ poor behavior due to waking up early from or missing a nap, or due to an
illness. I find that usually, most
people, if you mention an actual diagnosis or reason are pretty understanding. However, people are not mind readers.
I mean really, if you had no experience with
behavioral, neurological or mental issues in children and were standing in an
elevator while some lady was letting her “normal” looking kids [insert, for
example, Autism spectrum behavior here], wouldn’t you give her a look?” Let’s be real. Do we as parents of “different” kids
really have the right to judge parents of “normal” children or childless
people?
People who do not have “different” children have
no more experience interacting with “different” children than we did before our
children joined our families. It
is unfair of us to expect them to know the sensitive language to use or how to
approach us or our child or how to interact with us. We have the experience, they don’t. Let’s cut them some slack and assume
they are the same well-intentioned people we were before we had our awesome
kids.
Anyway, that’s my humble opinion.
In my next post (it’s super late now), I will
share many of my experiences with Lukasz out in public.
