Meeting Luka

We arrived in Warsaw exhausted.  Grace met us at the airport.  She was much different than expected--a shorter dark haired woman in her 40s or early 50s.  I guess I expected an older, blonde woman.  I have no idea why.  We immediately drove to Lomza; almost a three hour drive.  Through Warsaw and the surround countryside.  Very thick woods on either side.  I could easily imagine Polish soldiers and citizens fighting and hiding for their survival in those woods during the many harsh times this country has seen.

We were so tired both of us nodded off throughout the ride.  I tried to stay awake so hard but many times jolted up after realizing I had been asleep.  I haven't been that tired in years.  We arrived at the hotel around 3:30 p.m.  The hotel was lovely; nothing fancy but nice and comes with great wireless and fantastic breakfast. Beautiful pond area out back and the restaurant has great ambience and even better Polish food.  We definitely recommend it to anyone traveling north of Warsaw in Poland.

Here are some photos of the hotel, food and back area.  These are not the best photos but I am having a problem uploading from my phone to the computer.

My first perogies! Yum! 

Hungarian soup and Zubr, a local beer.

View out our window at 4:00 A.M.!

Anyway, we woke up around 3:30 a.m. on Friday (Poland time).  I think the time difference was still with us.  I was nervous but Matt said he wasn't, "What is there to be nervous about?"

Grace picked us up and served as our interpreter at the Adoption Center.  We were told there was another record from Luka's cleft surgery in November that would be translated and that it was important as his cleft palate will need revision.  This was a surprise to us but when we met Luka we understood that it was because as he is growing the right side of is face is not so his palate will continue to need repair.  We were also informed that on Monday we will meet the surgeon and the social worker who has legal custody of Luka.

Grace, and therefore we, were under the impression that after meeting with the psychologist at the center, we would go to Luka's foster home.  The Adoption Center psychologist told us among many other things that in Poland they do not believe it is good for the child to maintain contact with the foster family because it will be harder for them to attach to the adoptive parents.  She said she knows this is different than in the United States.  I think this is terrible for a child; to cute them off suddenly from the people they have come to love and trust to care for them.  However, it is there rule and I told her that I was glad she told me because we had planned to exchange contact info with them.

About half an hour after we arrived, the foster parents showed up with Luka.  It was clear that he is/was very loved by the foster parents.  His foster father took off work to come and they brought everything they owned for Luka to give to us.  It was clear his foster mom very much wanted Luka to have all of his things so we agreed, gratefully.  We had brought with us to the hotel all the clothes and toys we thought we would need and I felt terrible taking all of these baby things since it would be likely that they have another foster child placed with them but we did not want to hurt them anymore than they already were.

It was obvious from the care they gave Luka at the Center that they loved him deeply.  Luka had only been with them about 5 weeks after leaving the residential medical facility (mental institution/orphanage) and they knew at that time that parents had been selected for him but they were clearly in love with him. Which is so good because Luka's experience with them as one on one loving caretakers and (hopefully) his ability to love them will mean he will have the ability to attach to and love us as well.

Luka's foster mom, told me everything she could think of about his care and watched over me as I fed him some yogurt.  The foster father brought a very expensive and professional looking digital camera with lenses and flash to take photos and proudly showed Matt photos of his children (17 and 23 years old) and wife with Luka.  Several times during the meeting, foster father's eyes became red and welling with tears.  And foster mom clearly was on the verge of tears the entire time.

After only an hour, the foster parents abruptly got up to say good by to Luka and leave.  We took photos as they said good-bye.

Matt went to the store with Grace to buy baby food (as if foster mom had not left us enough) and other items for us.  I was left alone at the center's office with Luka.  He was very sweet but more interested in his toys than me.

When Grace and Matt returned we went back to the hotel and have been here with Luka going on walks, playing and getting to know each other ever since.  Grace will pick us up tomorrow to meet the social worker and surgeon and then we will go to Warsaw to the apartment.  Grace did tell us that the Adoption Center psychologist had told her the foster parents had mentioned coming to the hotel this weekend and said that it was not allowed.  Grace told her that she needed to tell them, not her.  We, of course, were open to such a visit but they did not break the rules and did not come.  I can only imagine how hard it would be not knowing how a child you loved was doing.  We will see what the future holds and if it is possible to have contact later--just to reassure them that Luka is loved and receiving the right medical care.

The Adoption Center and many of the individuals who cared for Luka had provided gifts for him. The Center gave him a prayer card signed by Pope John Paul II, a rosary blessed by him,  a large teddy bear,  a disk of photographs and a Polish child's book.  One of the caretakers at the medical center had sent a photo of herself holding Luka and the physical therapist who loved him so much gave him a book of Polish poetry.  Clearly, Luka touched many hearts and they were happy to see him find a home and family.

Wow, that is a very short version of what has happened this weekend but I am still exhausted and must go to sleep.  Below are some photos from the past few days.  More to follow in the next few days.

On our way!

The day finally arrived. What seemed like a forever long wait came to an end in what seemed like a real hurry. I ran around frantic; didn't get nearly what I wanted to done. But this morning, we grabbed what we had packed, hoping it was everything we needed and got our first of three planes. I was worried about a lot of tears from us and the kids but the little ones were so happy to have their sitter at the house they just gave us a hug and a wave. The boys didn't even bother to come down--they just yelled, "Bye! Love you guys!" from the top of the stairs, I'm in Detroit right now killing two hours before my flight. Matt is already on his flight to Amsterdam. Because my return date is different than his we could not book our tickets together. We thought that we had the same flights going out since departure flights from OKC and then Amsterdam were the same. But, oh well, we'll get there.

Babyface: A Story of Heart and Bones

by Jeanne McDermott

There are so many things I could say about this book.  I read it soon after we started the initial steps to learn more about Luka before we committed to adopting him.  And I wish I had read it during my first pregnancy (which resulted in a miscarriage).  Pregnancy was always such a time of worry for me--what could go wrong with my baby, how could he/she be "different" and how could I handle that?

The first and most important thing I can say about this book is that every parent should read it--preferably before their child is born or adopted but in any event anytime they first hear of it.  The author is a scientist.  Her pregnancy was normal.  All prenatal tests were normal.  Her son was born with Apert Syndrome.  Apert Syndrome is a syndrome that is manifested with severe craniofacial and hand differences.  And she learns that there is nothing "wrong" with her son.

What is so beautiful is the way she comes to understand the world through the way she sees the world "seeing" her son.  She learns to not resent the stares or comments.  She learns that scientifically and neurologically the human brain naturally must take a moment to understand what it is seeing  (ie., resulting in the "stare").  In the moment that the stranger stares at her son and then looks to her, his mother, the brain has processed his "strange" or "different" appearance to that of "oh, he's just a boy".  And it is her response to the stranger that BOTH the stranger AND her son will look to for an understanding of his place in the world.

A defensive, hostile response will tell him and the stranger, "There is something about me that must be defended.  I am different, I am a victim. The world pities me because I am 'less than.'"  A nonchalant, matter of fact, "Isn't he cute?" or, in response to a question about why he looks like he does, a nonchalant, "He was born this way.  He has Apert Syndrome,"  will tell him, "There is nothing wrong with me; my mother knows that no one would think anything other than 'What a great little boy.'"

Here is the quintessential premise of the book: in the locker room of a gym, a boy asks his mother, "Why does that boy have a big head?"  The mother simply, matter of factly, and, to the surprise of the author, states, "He has hydrocephalus.  Like your cousin."  The boy nodds, satisfied and walks off.  At first the author is enraged over the child's comments and his mother's erroneous response.  But the conclusion she comes to is so poignant and the rage dissipates as she reaches it:

     Slowly, the realization dawned that the words themselves had little to do with the ease, comfort, and acceptance
     that the first locker room mom communicated.  Whatever got said would never be as powerful as the way that
     it was said.  The secret to handling the inevitable fear and fascinationof outsiders lay in the subtler cues--the
     ones that Clever Hans [a dog referred to earlier in the book that seemed to "read minds"] read so well, the ones
     that can be summoned but not faked--body language, tone of voice, a positive attitude.

And the more open she is to the stares and comments of people--on the bus, in the park, at the store, etc., the more she realizes that just because people stare doesn't mean they are thinking negative thoughts.  Sometimes, they have a child with "special needs" and would love another mother to talk to, or they just want to make faces at her son just as they would another "normal" child, or they are just curious with no judgment.

What I love about Ms. McDermott is that she says: "when strangers hesitated with Nathaniel, I became more gregarious and outgoing, deflecting awkwardness by extending delight in my baby. 'He's cute, isn't he?" I said gently to the tired young woman on the bus who was stealing looks at the Nathaniel.  It was my way of acknowledging that her stare was natural but also a cue."  And the woman eventually responds, "Why, you are a little cutie, aren't you?"

It's really all in this optimistic statement, "The world could be an ugly place but I took initiative and crossed that chasm with unbridled optimism that it didn't have to be. Life was too short to nurse animosity or register blame."

AND,  "I was calm because people learn."  What is more profound than that?  If we can all cut everyone who says something insensitive a little slack so we can really see what their intent is before we lash out, we might be able to teach OR we might find that people are not intending to hurt with what they say.

More on this book later.  Just wanted to share.  I think if I read it the first time I was pregnant, I would have been a much calmer pregnant lady.  I would not have been as super paranoid.  I would not have been counting down the days to each prenatal test and result.  I would have truly understood that any child I had, I would be able to totally love, care for and parent.   Even though I understood that when I had my children, and adopted my children, I had never really placed myself in the footsteps of a mother of a child who had "differences" of any kind.  I would have been more at peace.

New Photos of Luka!!!

This is just a quick post to share new photos just received today.  Also, they have the cd of the original CT scan of Luka's head which will be a great baseline for the craniofacial surgeon.

There are several pictures that are profiles of Luka's "bad side".  It does take a few seconds for your brain to process. But its better to get used to him with these photos than in person where the naturally instinct would be to look away immediately or stare.

I would never normally do this, but...

Marcus is a little boy who came up in some of my research on adoptions from Eastern Europe in October/November when I first heard about Luka.   Ever since I saw his face and read his shame over his legs and disbelief that anyone would adopt a child in a wheelchair, I don't go a day without thinking about him.

I was trying to check out the process, make sure the agency advocating for Luka was legitimate, and looking into special needs international adoptions to see what issues come up and what other parents' experiences were.  I found Reece's Rainbow which advocates specifically for orphans with Down Syndrome but generally for orphans with special needs of all kinds.  Reece's Rainbow allows donations towards the adoption costs of each of the children they list.

Anyway, Marcus was one of many children I saw but he touched my heart in a profound way.

Today, someone on my Deaf/Hard of Hearing adoption listserv (the same group that I heard about Luka through) sent an update on a Deaf orphan who found her family and there was a link to this woman's blog.  What a surprise that there happened to be a blog entry with an update on Marcus from June 4.  Call it fate, destiny, whatever.  I felt I had to post here in case one of my friends or family might know someone or someone who knows someone who could parent Marcus.  It's a long shot but I had to try.  Every other child from the group Marcus was originally photographed with last year has been adopted.  He is the only one left.

He is 10 years old and has spina bifida.  Based on the description of where he is, I believe he is in Ukraine.  I could be wrong.  The procedure for Ukraine adoption is much different than for Poland and many other countries.  However, many people adopt from Ukraine.  If he were younger than Padraig, there would be no question, I would have pushed Matt to adopt him as well as Luka.  But we will not adopt out of birth order--the adjustment it would force on existing children's "hierarchy" can be damaging (not that it can't be done successfully, it's just not something we would do).

Please check out the blog entry update on him http://www.xmaswarrior.blogspot.com/2012/06/marcus.html and follow the link to the Reece's Rainbow profile.  It appears he now has over $3000 in donations towards his adoption costs.  But I warn you not to click around on the blog or the Reece's Rainbow page, you will see SO many sweet faces with so much potential waiting in bad places with little hope of finding a family.  It is over whelming and at times I wish I had never become aware of all these children--the children who will not be adopted in their own countries because of their medical issues and who have only a tiny hope of being adopted internationally because those families too want "healthy" children.

And don't get me started on boys!  Internationally adopting families overwhelmingly want healthy GIRLS, so boys have even less chance than girls to be adopted.  In almost every country program through any agency, the agency will tell you that the wait for girls is MUCH longer.  Why?  I don't know, I can guess many reasons; none of which I particularly agree with.  But for us, we are always just happy to get a child--girl or boy.  And China?  The place most famous for adopting girls?  They are desperate for families to adopt BOYS!  Yet, families in the vast majority go to China open only to girls.

I could go on and on with these issues, but I want to get back to Marcus with those big brown eyes that make my heart ache.  He probably needs parents experienced or willing to learn how to deal with spina bifida and who understand that they will need to read and prepare for the adoption of an older child who has been in an institution.  It would be no primrose path to be sure and the parenting methods for such a child are very different than for a child who has lived in a family setting but the rewards would be amazing and there is SO much love to be gained for both the parents and Marcus.

Getting Closer

Plane Tickets

We have our plane tickets and our apartment booked.  By some strange twist of fate, Matt and I are leaving on the same flight to Detroit but are on different flights to Amsterdam but then on the same flight to Warsaw.  I have a pretty good idea that this is because we booked Matt's ticket through the rewards page of our credit card (so it was basically free!) and mine through travelocity.  We tried really hard to make sure the flights were the same, but what can you do?  :-)  A very minor worry.  I will try to get them to change me to Matt's flight without the fee tomorrow but we'll live if they won't.  At least we will arrive in Warsaw together.

I booked Lukasz' flight home!  He will travel as a lap infant at a VERY small percentage of my ticket price.  Usually, they require an adoptive infant to pay a full one way ticket fare because they have to travel on their foreign passport (they don't technically become citizens until they touchdown in the US).  I lucked out and the lady I spoke to on the phone was absolutely sweet and worked to get the lower price from her supervisor AND told me she notated the ticket in the system not to charge us the paper ticketing fee "so make sure to remind them not to charge you."  I have to pay for and pick the ticket up in person at the Delta ticket counter at the airport tomorrow.  Hopefully, that goes well.  Then, since it is a paper ticket, I have to make sure not to lose it between tomorrow and August.

Strollers


I am finding many things I didn't think about as far as travel.  I planned to take a folding stroller (a little more robust than an umbrella stroller) which does not count toward your checked baggage allowance if you are traveling with a child.  Then I realized I am not traveling with a child on the way out so it will cost me $80 to check since we only get ONE piece of check luggage (crazy for international, if you ask me).   So that's another favor I have to ask the Delta ticket counter--try to sweet talk them into not charging me to take the stroller.

If they won't help me, we will just buy a cruddy little umbrella stroller in Poland.  Which I must add, Matt and I HATE the typical cheapie umbrella stroller ONLY because the handles are never high enough for either of us and we end pushing the stroller hunched over with our feet kicking the back at every step.  It'll be worth it, though.

Apartment


Finally, our apartment!  So looking forward to it.  Walking distance to many museums and parks and the old part of Warsaw.  Here is a link to it with pictures:

http://www.pandoapartments.com.pl/warasaw-old-town-holiday-apartments.html

Nothing But Craziness and Joy Around Here...

But how is that different than any other day?!


I800 Approval!!!!


On Friday, after Immigration telling us it would be another week of waiting for our officer to look at our i800, Matt emailed Senator Inhofe's office and asked if anyone could help us.  He got a response right away--of course, I am sure it didn't hurt that Matt attached a photo of Luka and an explanation of his medical issues.  They immediately emailed Immigration an informal inquiry as to the delay and then asked Matt to forward Luka's medical records with specific references to the Poland physician's recommendations for immediate care so they could make a more formal inquiry.  Which meant I spent a frantic hour and a half cross referencing and summarizing.


Just after I finished emailing Matt my summary and the pertinent records, he forwarded me an email he was cc'd on from Immigration to the gentleman in Mr. Inhofe's office.  The email stated that they couldn't expedite i800s because they already took priority over all other requests "however, the good news is, that this case was provisionally approved yesterday (5/31/2012).  The notice would have gone out with this morning's mail."


Now, I called 5/31/2012 and was told it hadn't made it to the officer's desk.  But, it's done and that's what counts.  I have an "internet" friend on an adoption board who filed her i800 on 5/16 (two days before us) and as of today her's has still not made it to her officer's desk.  I am convinced I have the gentleman in Senator Inhofe's office to thank.  Who knew a politician would actually be helpful?  So grateful.


We received the Approval Notice today!


Travel Dates Confirmed


We learned that we are expected in Poland on June 22 for Court--as long as the Article 5 is issued by the Consulate as expected within the next two weeks.  Our agency contact in Poland sent us apartment rental options and we have been debating.  At least we now know that Matt will return the weekend of July 6 and I will return on August 6.


New Issues


While looking at the State Department's travel information for Poland this weekend I discovered that our passports must be valid for 3 months after our expected return date.  When we started this When we started this process in December, we never thought that my passport's expiration of October 20, 2012, would be an issue. However, the process being unpredictably long, we now find that my expected return date (Aug 6, 2012) will make my passport valid only approximately 2.5 months past our stay in Poland.


I spent all day trying to figure out how to get my passport renewed before our estimated travel departure date of June 20.  I called our friend in Senator Inhofe's office who said that if I overnighted it today, he would be happy to call on Thursday and see if they can help push it through (wow!) but that it may or may not work--they've been able to sometimes and unsuccessful others.


I rushed down to the tag agency by Matt's office to get my photo taken.  Matt came down to the car and sat with the kids while I ran in for the photo and then we all had lunch together at The Thai Kitchen (for those of you who don't know it, it's a great place with little air conditioning, cramped and few tables but great food).


And one of my many heroes at Matt's office, Rachel Harrison, shipped my renewal application overnight with return envelope.


Fingers crossed that it gets back in time. Oh, and it is the WORST passport photo EVER.


Airfare Purchased and Other Matters Settled


I spent all day trying to work out the best airfare and negotiating so that when we bought Matt's ticket with our credit card reward points through their site, I would be able to get the same departure flight on Travelocity.  It worked--and WE ARE BOOKED!!!!!!  The best part will be when I book Luka's flight tomorrow.


And, once we saw what the price of tickets had become as we approached the two week out marker, we decided that taking Iain and Learned as planned is not going to the best idea.  So, two of my other heroes (our babysitter, Erin, and my mom) have agreed to help out those two weeks Matt is still in Poland with me and then Erin will take care of all of the kids during the day while Matt works.  And we will work out some additional assistance for Erin and my Mom.


Last Worries


Now I just have to worry about my passport getting back and the Consulate issuing the Article 5 in time.


And cleaning my house good before we leave.


And that my kids don't forget me and stop loving me.  :-(  Or grow up too much with out me.