“Just Go On Out There and Let it Go”

The above quote is from conjoined twins, Abby and Brittany Hensel, in the ad for the most recent annual special about them on TLC.   I love it because it has become the way I live.  And, really, if you have a “different” child, there can be no other healthy way for you or, more importantly, your child to live.  If we can’t just let the negative stuff—looks, comments, body language---fall away and go about our lives with the people who matter (friends, family, well wishing strangers, etc.) blocking out all others, how can we be happy?  How can we teach our children to be happy in the face of those negative, cruel people?

And I think it is important to also say that that quote, for me, implies a kind of self-imposed DECISION to NOT assume that every poorly worded comment or awkward, sideways glance rises from ill-will or intended cruelty.  I even go so far to say that maybe 1 out of 1000 such encounters arises from ill-will or intended cruelty.

My Experience

Lately, I have been thinking about my life before, during and after the decision to adopt Lukasz.  Specifically, how did I think, respond or talk to parents and children who look different.  Now that I am a parent to a “different” child, how do I want other parents to talk to me and how do I want to respond. 

The most important thing I realize from experience is that when you don’t have a “different” child in your life, whether he/she is yours, a friends or a family member’s, you have no context for what the “right” words are, no idea what the “right” way is to approach such a child and his parents, or what is the “right” way for your “normal” kids to act around them.  The result is a hyper-sensitivity and fear of saying the wrong thing and even more so of what might come out of your children’s mouths.  In turn, your behavior often manifests as avoidance, at best, or, at worse, fear, repulsion, judgment and, sometimes, cruelty, when you have no intention to come across that way.

I can only speak from my experience on both sides of this issue.  And I can only speak from the experience of a parent who KNEW her child would be “different,” and had the opportunity to prepare mentally and emotionally before he joined our family.  Not to mention the amazing amount of reading I was able to do before even meeting him.  Oh, and the fact that I am so often distracted chasing down four other additional kids that I don’t even register stares and comments from people I pass in public.

But the above quote is my basic truth.  I go out there with the attitude: 

“When all I had were “normal” kids, I never intended my behavior or words to be hurtful, so I will assume the same of everyone who looks at or talks to me in a way that centers around my child.  Everything else, I am just going to leave behind me so I can enjoy our lives together.”

Everything you retain in indignation, outrage, anger or hostility will eat away at you.  Let’s face, you’re likely to never see these people again.  If they are people you see everyday, simply tell them you are going to assume a mutual wall of silence about your children and walk away or “answer” your phone anytime they breach it.

It’s All About Attitude

So here it is, the mysterious answer to the question, “Uh, where do I look, what do I say and, OMG, what is my kid going to say to her about her kids?”

First, take a breath and recognize that these questions come from the thought, “But for the grace of God go I.”  Don’t worry, in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with that thought.  We have all been taught to count our blessings and it is TRUE that your child may have an easier road medically and/or developmentally than mine.

Now, take another breath and know that you would love your child no matter what he or she looked like, no matter what extra challenges or differences he or she had.  More importantly, understand that we parents of “different” children only know our child as he or she is.  If we are out at the Zoo laughing (or pulling our hair out as any parent), or at the store saying, “Stop that!” and “Sit down in this cart right now!” and also, “Ok, we’ll get you that toy,” you will know that we are loving our child just as you love yours and experiencing all the “joys” of parenting you do.  And we are out in public just like you.

So, you can look at my son. He looks different from anything you have ever seen.  Your brain needs time to process that and I understand.  Go ahead and look straight on. You CAN stare!  I understand, I have been there.  Just maybe, while you look, say “Hi” to me and that you would “love to say ‘hi’ to my baby.”  It’s only polite, you know.  Once your brain processes, “Oh, just a boy who only has one eye and one ear” I know you will be fine.

Finally, just talk to me and treat me like you treat any parent you see out with their kid. It's all about attitude. It's definitely OK for your kids to come up and talk to our kids--curiosity, friendliness are fine as long they are not being mean. Oh, and your kids are OK to ask why my baby only has one eye and one ear, it's even ok for them to say he looks funny or (GASP) “scary”. To them, he does look funny or even scary--they have NEVER seen anyone who looks like him and that is what most little kids define as "funny" or “scary”.

You’ll see in my next post that in every case I have been approached by a child, every child who asks about the way Lukasz looks simply responds to "He was just born that way, like you were born with brown/blonde hair" with "Oh, okay" and total acceptance, then happily continues their day.   Maybe not immediate acceptance, sometimes they hover around and once they have their bearings they accept him and start playing.

The last thing I want to say to parents/individuals who have no experience with “different” children is this:

I'm not ashamed of my child, please don't teach your child to be by acting as if he's someone to tiptoe around and look at sideways. I invite your and your child's conversation. So does my son.

Defensiveness versus Acceptance

Now, I realize that as my “baby” gets older, the kids will become more cruel.  That’s just the nature of kids—as they get older they learn more and more of adult biases and cruelty.  And I know that people use the wrong words and look at “different” people from across the room and sometimes throw what is interpreted as a judgmental look at us parents.  But let’s take a second to breathe and recollect before we respond.

For me, I am hoping that my openness with parents and children now will teach Lukasz that I accept him and that there is nothing to be defensive about as far as his appearance and medical issues.

Personally, my opinion is that if you are constantly on the defensive with people, that if you always lash out immediately as “mama bear” it appears that you feel your child is something every “normal” person would attack or act with ill-intentions.   One, there is nothing wrong with my son.  He is just different.   He was born that way.

Two, I refuse to believe that the majority of people intend to harm my child or myself—emotionally or physically.   OMG, if I had been held to every “foot in mouth” moment I would have been in a self-loathing humiliation hell since age 7.  As awkard, clumsy and downright oblivious as I have been in my life, I am willing to cut people some slack for using the “wrong words” or staring at us.

For example, is it appropriate for people to ask, “Now which one is your ‘real’ child?” when wanting to know which of our children is our biological child?  NO!  But they do not know that.  They are not INTENDING to imply that we love our adopted children less—they just DO NOT KNOW the CORRECT way to ask.  Why should I get upset and insulted and carry that feeling around with me?  I know many adoptive parents that go on LONG internet blog/forum tirades about this very experience and I just don’t get it.  Just let it go.

People, by nature, need to understand “different” and “why.”  I have no problem with that.  It doesn’t make me angry.  It doesn’t make me sad.  I love my child and I love talking about all my kids—how they came into our family, why they look the way they do, what grades they are in, etc.

If my child had disruptive behavioral or cognitive issues and no physical differences, I would explain that to people in common public areas (the library, mall, doctor’s offices, etc) who are likely to be disturbed just as I would explain with a smile of good will my other kids’ poor behavior due to waking up early from or missing a nap, or due to an illness.  I find that usually, most people, if you mention an actual diagnosis or reason are pretty understanding.  However, people are not mind readers. 

I mean really, if you had no experience with behavioral, neurological or mental issues in children and were standing in an elevator while some lady was letting her “normal” looking kids [insert, for example, Autism spectrum behavior here], wouldn’t you give her a look?”  Let’s be real.  Do we as parents of “different” kids really have the right to judge parents of “normal” children or childless people?

People who do not have “different” children have no more experience interacting with “different” children than we did before our children joined our families.  It is unfair of us to expect them to know the sensitive language to use or how to approach us or our child or how to interact with us.  We have the experience, they don’t.  Let’s cut them some slack and assume they are the same well-intentioned people we were before we had our awesome kids.

Anyway, that’s my humble opinion.

In my next post (it’s super late now), I will share many of my experiences with Lukasz out in public.